He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
