I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
