I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
