Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
