I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
