Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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