He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
