are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
