so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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