dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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