Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
