I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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