He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
