New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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