the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
