I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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