I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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