look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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