How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
