I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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