You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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