My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
