come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
