He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize