you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
