i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
