Pants 0. Shit 1.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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