Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
