Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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