I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't put those talents on a resume
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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