How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
