i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
