He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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