Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
