sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
