My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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