oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
