11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
