you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize