I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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