she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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