im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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