I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
