all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
