this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
