I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
