My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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