I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
