Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
