you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize