Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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