Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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