Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
