Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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