new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
