I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
no, he came in my armpit
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
