I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
